I have been hesitant in writing about this. However, there are so many people that suffer from it and I need to “pay it forward”, by sharing what has worked for me. Perhaps, I was feeling like since it’s been under control, why bring it up. Also, probably feeling some shame around it, by assuming people will think I’m weak if I told the world. Well, that is all nonsense, because depression is serious.
My memory of being depressed, is as far back as being in middle school. Teenage years were full of ups and downs. Not only was my family dysfunctional and going through major things, but I was dealing with extreme mood swings. PMS for me, was really bad. Looking back, I’m sure there were some serious hormonal imbalances happening too. I remember being in therapy at 21 and confessing to the therapist, that I was driving that week on the freeway and thought of just crashing my car off the road. This way nobody would know I did it. Then I realized that what if one day, my life got better and I missed out on great things it had to offer. So I told her that I had realized, that I have HOPE and that is what kept me from suicide.
When I was around 24 or so, I was in therapy once again, with all my supposed problems and thoughts. The therapist at that time, asked me for a history of times I was in therapy. He was able to show me that it was always in there during the winter months. Then he mentioned this thing called S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). A light went off, that I was definitely “happier” in the summer time. He put me on my first anti-depressant at the time. Eventually I got off it, because not only did it keep me from feeling really down, but took away my feel good mood. So I was feeling just even and I didn’t like that.
A few years later, I got married rather quickly, to a man in the Navy. Well, he was being deployed from San Diego to Everett, WA. My mother warned me before going, that going there will be bad for me. I assured her that since I knew and understood WHY I got depressed, I should be o.k. HELLO, that was really DUMB on my part. How I thought I could control the depression, by just knowing it was lack of sun, was not smart. Needless to say, between the marriage and lack of sun, my parents literally got on a plane 8 months after moving there and removed me from the situation. As I’m driving with my mother in the car through Washington then Oregon, curled up in a ball while it rained out. Half-way through Oregon, the sun came out. Then a couple hours into the drive, I sat up and start rambling to my mother, almost non stop. She looked over at me, like she saw a strange act of God or something. Then she says, “Michelle I never really quite understood your seasonal affective disorder, until I just watched you transform in front of my eyes. You are like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon”.
Up until that point and later, I got labeled with general anxiety disorder, massive depressive disorder, seasonal affective disorder, then later bipolar 2 disorder. The bipolar 2 was given to me from a therapist, that decided because my biological father was bipolar 1 and I had this history of massive depressive, he would label me that. He put me on all kinds of drugs. I think it was 4 different kinds. My life at the time, was very stressful after having gone through a mentally almost physically abusive marriage, then divorce and joining a radical church. The church experience is a whole other blog…….! Anyway, I was under a lot of stress and my sleeping, eating and lack of boundaries in my life, had me not doing so great emotionally. I spent 5 years caught up in all that. Stomach problems developed and I ended up on medications for it. I was also helping taking care of my grandmother, through her passing.
Finally, I after my grandmother’s passing, I made some serious changes in my life. One was my diet, second was leaving that church, then I packed up and moved 3,000 miles away to Florida. Seems kinds drastic, but sometimes we need that. While away from everyone and bad memories, I was able to work on ME. I started seeing a naturopath and got off all the medications. Changed my diet and took the recommended supplements, that would heal my gut. He worked with me for several years. My gut, hormones and neurotransmitters were a mess.
Each year since making these changes, the depression and insomnia have gotten better. Getting my certification in nutrition, helped me understand more on how what we put into our bodies, severely effects our moods. I take the above recommended dosage of fish oil. Omega 3 DHA fish oil helps the brain tremendously. I also really understand the importance of SUNSHINE and will leave town on the weekends, if I have to to get some. Thankfully, my boyfriend understands that part and is supportive in getting me to sunshine. He also knows that I can’t live anywhere, from the middle of the U.S. and up. Just not happening.
Eating a mostly plant based diet, fish oil supplements, working out, sunshine, setting boundaries, good sleep habits, healthy dose of venting when needed and other supplements have really helped me. I haven’t felt the desire to go into therapy for several years. I think the therapy was my way of full-fulling the desire to talk out the depression. Now that it only lasts a few days, instead of months, makes it manageable.
I understand that depression is genetic and a brain thing, so we can’t just smile our way out of it. BUT, I do believe that a healthy diet, proper supplements, support, a good attitude and the willingness to make yourself do things you don’t want to do, for the sake of feeling better, DOES help. Last week the lack of sun had me really down, but I FORCED myself to go run, take supplements and seek out sunshine. It’s not easy, but knowing those things DO work, is what makes me do them. Sitting around complaining and crying about it, has NEVER worked.
We become, what we think. So, even though this is something that has and may be a part of me, I try not to claim it with “my depression” anymore. When we label something as “my this” or “my that”, then we own it. The way to healing is to let got of those negative labels. I envision and label myself as a healthy, happy, energetic woman!!
The below picture is part of my vision board. I loved that this silver hair, older woman is so alive and vibrant. That is MY VISION for me!

I would like to end this, with simply saying that you are not alone and there IS hope and life CAN be great. It’s not easy, but anything that we fight for, is later appreciated more. I have fought a tough battle and grateful that I can help others today. My life battles were not in vain and do serve a purpose!!
~Michelle:-)